I mean, it’s not like I don’t have reasons. I do. But that’s beside the point. They’re not particularly good reasons, either. And besides, I’d started this project precisely to escape the endless cycle of rationalization. No excuses! I told myself. One post a day, without fail! I said. [You have to imagine here a lot of grumbling and eye-rolling.] I’m cutting this short because nobody likes when bloggers make excuses – partly because it comes across as insufferably grandiose, as if the whole turned on whether they posted or not. I don’t suffer from such delusions, just from a twinge of disappointment that I haven’t been able to keep up my promise. (Although there’s still time to make up for … let’s see.. the 15 missed posts. Whoa. Yeah, totally doable.)
A lot has happened, too. Spring break came and went in a blink – had visitors, Miruna’s birthday party which required some serious energy and planning chops, then work work work and trying desperately to keep my spirits up despite the perpetual winter we’re having here on the East Coast (is that what Scandinavians have to live through every year? Because I’m seriously never moving there. I’ve been more seasonally affected than ever.)
Miruna started walking, which is a surprise, delight, and challenge. Every day, although I don’t think it’s possible, I find myself loving her even more fiercely. She fills me with joy and awe and love every single moment and I … just can’t. She is everything.
Which is a good thing to think about since disaster has struck a little too close to home lately. In short, my three writing partners (on three very different projects) have been afflicted, in order, with: 1) broken ankle (followed by narcotics-induced haze, bed rest, and vicious respiratory superbug); 2) OD-ing spouse (a spouse who is a repeat drug offender to boot, but that’s beside the point); 3) diagnosis of ovarian cancer, plus, for good measure, her daughter DYING of ovarian cancer, slowly but surely. I mean, seriously. My goal today was just to get through the day without more bad news. I am an empath and have to be very careful about processing this information if I don’t want to end up in the loony bin. (No, it hasn’t happened, but have I lost sleep and shed way too many tears and spent days in anguish over similar news? Yes, I have.)
On top of everything I read this incredibly powerful, sad, and devastating account of dementia. Talk about my fears being exposed raw! (Seriously, anyone should read it…it is incredible and unique and beautiful.)
I tried to soothe my nerves with grading but the papers I did grade were INCREDIBLY bad. I took a break… a long one. Don’t think I’ll grade any more tonight, as a matter of fact, but geez, was that depressing.
So…back in business. I’m going to try not to screw it up this time.